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The Hardest Part

Considering the fact that I have spent nearly my entire 28 years of life believing in the existence of God and seeing all of reality through a Christian lens, it is surprising to me how easily I have been able to let go if it. There has been a lot of mental effort and some mortality-related anguish in coming to my new conclusions about reality, it is true, but for the most part, it has been a fairly smooth theoretical transition.

The practical journey from faith to none, however, is turning out to be really difficult and painful…probably the most difficult/painful thing I have ever experienced.

It is probably one of the most gut-wrenching feelings in the world to know that you are breaking your parents’ (the two people who have loved you most purely and selflessly and unconditionally in your life) hearts, and be unable to do anything about it. (Trying to talk myself back into faith at this point is out of the question. I have seen too much through the crack in the door to be able shut it again and forget. And pretending would be even worse – relationships built on pretense are not relationships at all).

Along with the fact that I am causing deep hurt, worry, grief and pain to the people I love the most and, in their minds, separating myself from them in both this life and the eternal, I am also dealing with a degree of loneliness I have never before experienced. Close relationships – the kind that allow for the exchange of real, true, unfiltered thoughts and feelings from the deepest parts of your heart and mind – take years to develop, and many of the ones I have grown in my own life have been compromised. I am fortunate to have a sister and one close college friend with whom my relationships have been unaffected by my change in perspective, but losing that relaxed, all-knowing, complete openness with my parents, especially, has, in a way, set me adrift in the world.

On top of all that, there is a lingering possibility in my mind that somehow I HAVE been deceived. I can still look at my current self through my past eyes – as a selfish and/or deluded person, choosing her own way over God’s. I can hear my parents’ and friends’ remorse-tinged conclusions that Satan (or my own pride or fear) has blinded me, and their hopeful resolutions to pray me back into the kingdom. Those voices, that point of view, has been engrained in me from the time I was born, and though it no longer makes any sense to me on hardly any level, it is still my “default setting.” I still sometimes wake up in the morning “thinking like a Christian.” And so, there is still a little tiny inkling of fear that maybe they are all right. Maybe I, and the billions of people in the world who cannot, for whatever reason, believe that Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life,” are all wrong…are all headed for Hell.

But then that thought – the thought of Hell – brings me back to my senses…reminds me of how I got here in the first place. It reminds me of all the contradictions I had to rationalize, all of the mental hoops I had to jump through, to believe in Jesus as the Son of God, believe in the Bible, even in a contextual, allegorical sense. No. There is no going back for me. Maybe there is a God. Maybe there is an afterlife. I am still open to that possibility (again, I am a “soft” atheist – I lack belief in a god, as opposed to a “hard” atheist, who believes definitively that there is no god). All I know is that, if there is – He/She cannot possibly be the God revealed in the Bible. Any god who would create, for the sole purpose of his own pleasure, beings with the potential to go bad and end up in eternal anguish, could not be good and could not be God. If God exists, he/she would be completely self-fulfilled. He/she would not need anything or anybody. And to create sentient beings able to experience pain and grief in order to meet some kind of need for “glory” him/herself would not be good or loving or “god-like” at all. This, to me, seems very clear.

At the same time there is a lot about life that I don’t know. And there are now some questions – BIG questions – that I don’t really have any answers for. But these I will get to another day. This post has wandered a long way from its original topic, not to mention grown ridiculously long. Oops! I will be done now.

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Waking Up

So, it has been about six months now since I first “came out” to my friends and family. I know it was a big shock for all of them. If you had told me a few years ago that in the not-so-distant future I would not only reject my faith but also identify myself as agnostic (which is really just a euphemism for “soft” atheism) I wouldn’t have believed you for a second. Or maybe I would have.

My journey from faith in the God of the Bible to lack thereof, from my perspective, really has been very gradual; a natural “waking up.” Even at a fairly young age I realized there were a lot of inconsistencies in what I believed – a lot of points at which my faith-based view of the world did not match up with my experience of reality. I guess I simply thought that I had enough reason to believe in spite of it all. As I grew older and gained more knowledge of people and places and life-in-general, those reasons dwindled, and the inconsistencies concurrently became magnified. It was just this past summer that I finally realized it was not only rationally acceptable, but even necessary, to question EVERYTHING – to wipe the slate clean of all my assumptions and begin there, at “ground zero” to seek truth.

I want to be clear here – I never set out to disprove Christianity or to separate myself from the community and culture and people and way of life I grew up in. That community and those people have made up the majority of my whole world for most of my twenty-seven years, and while (like all of humanity) they are imperfect and have their share of problems and pain and foibles, they are also some of the best people I have known, full of love and generosity, who have been the source of untold joy and beauty in my life. I know many people have left the church or lost their faith because of mistreatment or even abuse by pastors, family members, and/or fellow believers, but that is not my story. While I have had a few uncomfortable church experiences and mild conflicts with certain members of my Christian acquaintance, the countless good experiences have by FAR out-weighed them.

No, my journey out of faith was not intentional…it just happened. There were events that catalyzed the process at certain points (particularly in the months leading up to my “official” de-conversion), but for the most part it was a natural progression driven by honest inquiry and the desire to perceive reality as it is – to find truth. And just as my belief in God was based on a huge patchwork of accumulated knowledge and experience, so too is my unbelief. There is not one reason that I no longer believe. There are not even a few reasons. The reasons are almost everything.

While I will likely address a lot of those reasons at one point or another in this blog, its purpose is not solely to provide an explanation or defense of my beliefs. Rather, it is a place for me to “think aloud” as I am re-evaluating almost everything I have held to be true; to vent the frustration, pain and hurt that has come with making this transition; and to share the new joys, insights and delights I am discovering in this new world of free – absoLUTEly free – inquiry.

If you are here, I welcome you – no matter WHAT you believe.